The Dreaded Mail
Greetings/Dear Author/blank heading:We thank you for the opportunity to consider/to read your recent submission/for your interest in our magazine. Unfortunately/regretfully/it appears as though we can’t find a place for/it doesn’t fit in with/ it’s not what we’re looking for in our next few issues.
We are glad to have had this opportunity/thank you for the chance to consider your work. Best of luck/ best of luck/ we hope that you will have success in/ placing it elsewhere.
Feel free to submit more work in the future.
Yours etc.
The Editors/Editor-in-Chief/Your friends at/ no signature
Should say:
Dear poor pitiful dreamer trying to make it as a writer:
Get it together. Don’t you know everyone and their mom wants to be a writer? Do you even know how many of these submissions we get? Do you? Pages upon pages by countless people all thinking they’re the next Steinbeck or Grisham or Brown.
Your story wasn't even close, and really just took up a lot of our time. Please do yourself (and by default, us) a favor and look into pursuing an alternate career path. Perhaps dentistry or the stock market. Of course you’re not obligated to choose one of those, they’re just a suggestion. However we are The Editors, and therefore are God, so what we say (despite your months of laboring) goes.
Good luck coping with the death of your pipe dream. Keep reminding yourself that we are really doing you a favor. You’ll thank us and send us gifts baskets in the end. Will be looking for you on Wall Street. Not really.
A small but elite group of people who dictate the futures of all writers everywhere,
The Editors
(aka. God. see above).
posted by Victoria Comella @ 8:00 AM
6 Comments:
So I've been reading this blog for a while and I couldn't help but comment.
Grisham ?
John Grisham?
The "Skipping Christmas" John Grisham? (Sure I could have mentioned "The Firm", "The Pelican Brief" or even "The Client")
You should have also mentioned the immortal Tom Clancy.
is tom clancy dead?
and do i care?
He very well might be....
And if he is, I'm sure someone cares
he is alive. and don't worry, i've sent his publicist a letter apologizing for failing to mention him in my blog. word on the street was he was taking it really hard...
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